If I were an Enemy of America ... HOLD IT! Hold it right there, Republicans. The first thing that popped into your head was “Democrats” wasn't it? Totally unfair! Democrats love America! They just don't like you, and I for one, embrace the status quo. I appeal to you now, can't we all just not get along?

Now, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Oh yeah, if I were an Enemy of America, like Russia, for instance, I'd foment confusion about COVID to increase the body count which is already higher than all American deaths in two World Wars, both Iraq wars, Korea, Vietnam, and Afghanistan, however, we know Russia's not capable of that kind of skullduggery.

“I don’t see any reason why it would be (Russia),” Donald Trump said in Helsinki when addressing Vladimir Putin's internet-discredited interference in the election. That's good enough for me, especially when you consider Putin's offer to help find the real culprits. That's as noble as O.J. vowing to find the real killers, a quest that failed despite a relentless search of America's golf courses. No sand trap was left unturned.

Sometimes the truth is right under our noses. By that, I mean Facebook and YouTube. I'm almost embarrassed to tell you how much I've spent on doctors who were “educated” at Harvard, Johns Hopkins, and Mayo — and shouldn't we be suspicious of any school that doesn't have a good football team? Everyone knows the best medical advice is online. Spoiler alert: The answer is apple cider vinegar.

So, based on my intensive minutes-long online research, I want to warn you about the side effects of the vaccine. Literally three people have reported, in a study peer-liked by several other Facebookers, that the vaccine makes women's bazzombas bigger and men's manhoods manlier. Now, I'm not going to get into my medical records, but I felt confident enough afterward to unload my jacked-up '72 Chevy Overcompensation 4-by-4 with a hood scoop, Holly carb, Hurst shifter, and headers. I got a Kia.

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What about Ivermectin, you ask? Well, even though some “educated” doctors say “neighhhhh” to horse dewormer, the stuff probably works. Ironically, though, it shrinks your man banana.

In the wake of my online reeducation, I've begun thanking flat-chested women for being great Americans — which isn't much of a pick-up line until you mention the side effects. And if that doesn't do it, whisper, “I'm thinking about getting the booster, too.” Moderna is the new Viagra. No need for Sex Panther cologne, either, despite the fact that 60% of the time it works every time to prevent coronaviruses.

Some hysterics warn that unvaccinated patriots will soon be forced to wear armbands like they did in Germany. Poppycock. True Americans are already identifiable by their noisy pickups and A-cups. The real enemy is 4-cylinder imports and cleavage. I don't know why Dolly Parton hates America, but I do know I have several records to bring to the next Proud Boys bonfire.

I'm suspicious of melons and eggplant, too. I don't know if produce can be anti-American, but one can't be too careful. And kale. I wouldn't trust kale if it jumped off my plate singing the Battle Hymn of the Republic. But I trust you to be personally responsible.

God bless America. And monster trucks.

Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service. This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of this publication, nor Forum Communications ownership.