The pressure's enormous. After all, my biography says I'm a humorist and satirist. Can you imagine trying to out-satirize 2020? It's like trying to out-sin Satan.
As for humor, well, absurdity, I've got. That and Dramamine.
For starters, Typhoid Donny's ranting and raving in the White House, steroids in one hand, the nuclear football in the other, while the rest of America channels their inner Alfred E. Neuman: “What — me worry?”
Last week alone, Trump dropped an F-bomb on "The Rush Limbaugh Show" while threatening Iran, cratered the market by slamming the door on COVID stimulus (he reversed course), demanded the arrest of Barack Obama and Joe Biden, did a spot-on Evita impersonation on the White House balcony — don't cry for me pulmonary edema — and called Kamala Harris “a monster,” apparently for demanding equal time from Vice Robot Mike Pence during their debate. I'm not saying Pence is an automaton but I've seen more evidence of a pulse onstage at Chuck E. Cheese.
Like his boss, Pence refused to pledge a peaceful transfer of power should his ticket lose.
Then, when the Good Lord Above in all his righteous anger decided to send a plague down upon Pence, all he could manage was one measly fly. What does that tell you about 2020? God is fresh out of pestilence! I half expect to see God at an intersection holding a sign: “Will smite for locusts.”
Far be it from me to give God advice, but I think he brought out the murder hornets way too early. What's he going to do for a finale? He may have to borrow the flying monkeys from Hillary.
It gets worse. The FBI has arrested members of a right-wing extremist militia (or as the president calls them, “my constituency”) plotting to kidnap Gov. Gretchen Whitmer and liberate Michigan. Meanwhile, back in free North Dakota where much of the population has inexplicably taken to licking each other's doorknobs, Gov. Doug Burgum was seen waving his arms and pleading, “Take me! Take me!”
In South Dakota, (new motto: “COVID: We're on it!”) the state recorded 5,000 active hoax cases last week, as compared to ND Smart's 4,000. Not only are ICU's filling up, COVID-19 itself has been hospitalized with exhaustion.
Buried among these headlines was the revelation that in 2017 the president paid less in taxes than your pizza delivery guy and that he's $400 million in debt — but surely not to the Russians or the Saudis. He also profited $73 million from foreign interests in his first two years in office. Domestically, he's made millions more on hotel properties from businesses and governments hoping to curry favor. But move along folks. Nothing to see here. The man's just draining the swamp.
Even NDSU made the headlines. Not only have NFL players continued to protest the wrong way by kneeling during the national anthem, members of the once-sainted Bison did the same thing before their game against Central Arkansas. Many Caucasian fans (who are not the least bit racist and even have a black friend) were so outraged they vowed to boycott the team for as long as they can hold their breath.
“You've got to stand for what's white — err, I mean right,” one former fan explained, “After all, this is America.”
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.